The Loneliness of Motherhood

My family is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  Meeting my husband, getting married, and now having Kaiya is by far the highlight of my life.  I love spending my days with her, showing her new things, teaching her how to do something and watching her face light up in excitement.  Her smile makes everything better.  But it is a lonely life.  Changing diapers, getting spit up all over me, coordinating my day around her nap times, and essentially talking to no one throughout the day gets lonesome.

My relationships with my friends mean everything to me.  I didn’t have many as a kid so the relationships that I’ve maintained over the years are very very important.  I know most moms say that they feel they have let their relationships slip because of how life changing having a kid is, and to some extent I agree with this.  But I feel like I have still tried.  I have still tried to make plans, invite people over when I can’t go out, try to get a sitter for parties and socials, and support my friends in anyway I can. I will always let them vent to me whenever they need.  But what about me?  All day I give everything I have to a baby so that she can grow, and thrive and flourish.  I admit I have little energy at the end of the day, and going out spontaneously doesn’t necessarily work for me.  So when I make plans, I work very hard to keep them.  I look forward to seeing my friends, and having adult time.  I need to talk to people my age and I’m genuinely interested in what’s going on in their lives.  So when plans change or people are in town and don’t make the effort to visit us, it really hurts me.  I want so badly to see them and talk to them.  I want that connection again and reprieve from mommy-ing for however long the visit is.

I have to say that I am very blessed to have the mom friends that I do.  If you’re pregnant or looking to be pregnant in the next while I highly recommend joining a local mom group.  I have these wonderful ladies in my life who I have now turned to for all sorts of advice.  Just knowing that I can message them pretty much anytime of the day and ask questions or vent helps immensely.  They’re so encouraging, supportive, and resourceful.  I honestly don’t know where I’d be without them!  It also helps knowing other women are at home in the middle of the day, raising a baby just like me.  (By the way – day time tv SUCKS.  Most days I don’t even turn it on.)  Some days we’re fortunate enough to have plans with my mom friends which I look forward to as well, it’s just different.  I’m still in mom mode, still talking about mom things, still doing feedings and changing diapers.  It’s not the same type of relationship that I have with my pre-mom friends.  Not in a positive or negative way, it’s just different.

Now, of course I don’t expect people to stop their lives for us.  Shit happens, I get it.  I’m not mad that you had to reschedule, or didn’t feel well enough to visit.  My disappointment happens mainly because I was genuinely excited so see someone.  Honestly, once you have a baby it feels like you’ve entered this twilight zone.  I know the clock is ticking but the days are a blur to me.  I somewhat know what day of the week it is, and I have my daily routines that I go through with Kaiya which help me get through the day, but that routine can get pretty monotonous.  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are all exactly the same to me, aside from the fact that my husband is home during the weeknights and most weekends.  I know time is passing by, I know people are going to work every day, I know people are out there living their lives.  But the majority of the time I’m here, staring at the same 4 walls I see day in and day out.  Making bottles, changing dirty diapers, sticking to my daily routines and coordinating naps.  I feel like I am a shell of the person I used to be.

Spending time with my friends is something I truly value.  I was a person before I was a mom.  Believe it or not that person is still inside me, I’m just covered up under the mom-me.  And while I may not be able to party like I used to, or be as free as I used to be I still want to see you.  I still want to hang out, and visit, and reminisce.  I promise I will always try to be there for you.  I can’t promise that I’ll always be available, but I will always TRY.  I know I’ve had a baby and I’m in this weird twilight zone but you remind me of the real me, who I used to be.  So please don’t give up on me; please hang in there.  This moment in my life won’t be forever.   I’m still here, somewhere deep inside I’m still me, and I still want our friendship.

2 thoughts on “The Loneliness of Motherhood

  1. That is the problem with parenthood darling.You quickly realise who are your true friends verses those who only had you in their lives for their own personal gain as opposed to the mutual, adult respect great friendship comes with. I lost many friends when I had my son, but I also found some new and truly amazing people. Sometimes it’s not you, it’s them and there’s not much you can do about it. They don’t understand the commitment raising a baby takes and how it becomes all consuming. But this time is precious! It won’t last long. And those who don’t want to know you during this time…well they aren’t worth it! So don’t waste a second thought on it. My two are 12 and 10 now and I can hand on heart say it passes in an instant. Each new stage comes with new challenges as well as new and exciting steps in your relationship with your child. Great article and totally remember those days! Hugs to you! Xx

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